Readers of the imaginary

I haven't done much posting this year. (My last two posts languished unpublished in the Blogspot editor for weeks.) Sorry about that, imaginary readers. You deserve better. I don't know that you'll get it, but you deserve it.

So anyhow, one of the things that's been keeping me busy is a book. I was hired last year to write a novel based on a movie. I know a guy who makes movies, and he wanted to try releasing a novelization together with his next film. We've talked to a publisher, and they seem interested, so I think this book is actually going to get made. Pretty cool, right?

I now have more than 70,000 words written, and I think I'll have the first draft wrapped up in another week or so. I'm super excited about this, but also a little nervous. I'm pretty confident in my ability to write a good sentence, a good paragraph, even a good chapter, but I've never written a whole novel before. So I am less confident that I have got the big things right, like plot and character arcs.

It's just a first draft, of course, and hopefully it will get better as I revise it over the coming months. Which is where you come in, my dear imaginary readers. I'd love to get your feedback. If you have time for a the whole book, great. If all you have time for is a chapter or two, also great. I have some that could use some polishing. So if you want to help out, or just offer a few words of encouragement, drop me a line.

As for the rest of you, don't worry, I'll keep you posted. Eventually.

--NICKY GEORGE

Movie review: Special sand-blasted skyscraper edition

Before leaving Nephi and returning to the land of twelve dollar movie tickets, the Princess and I took in one last show: Mission: Impossible: 4: Ghost: Protocol, starring Tom Cruise and some people or whatever.

I liked this. Lots of people said this was the best Mission Impossible movie, and although I still like the first one best, this one was definitely more fun than the previous two. (Sorry, Thandie Newton. Sorry, Philip Seymour Hoffman.)

I liked that this was a little less focused on Tom Cruise, and allowed his co-stars to shine. I particularly enjoyed Simon Pegg, but that's because I particularly enjoy Simon Pegg. Teeny little Jeremy Renner was also quite good-- good enough to convince me to see him in the Bourne Anti-penultimatum.

Anyway, part of me wants to give this four stars, but they spent like ten minutes at the end sitting around a cafe chatting with Tom Cruise, which I did not care about in the least, so I'm going to give it three stars and a cup of coffee.

Suck on that, Tom Cruise.

--MAJOR BLUDD

Restaurants of Nephi, revisited

It's been a while since Adora and I sampled Nephi's cuisine.

But during our epic double in-law Christmas tour, we were in Utah for a week and saw a new restaurant on Main Street. It's a Mexican restaurant called the Jaliscience, which looks like it must involve science somehow, but it really means the person from Jalisco.

Long story short, YOU MUST TRY THIS PLACE if you are ever in Nephi.

The Jaliscience is not just the best Mexican restaurant in Nephi, although it is. (Sorry, Mi Rancherito. We still love you.) It is not just the best restaurant in Nephi, although it is. This is the best Mexican food I've had in at least a year, during which time I have enjoyed Mexican cuisine in Texas, Arizona, California, and Boston multiple times. It's that good.

Seriously, I wish I lived in Utah so I could go there right now. If you're in Provo, drive down. This is worth the trip, even if they don't have a billboard on the highway that says so. Until I can buy them one.

--CASA DE DOLOR

Movie review roundup: Special disco alien edition

I really did intend to review movies as they came, but... then I didn't. So here you go!

* * * Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2: The Legend of Neville's Gold: Better than the first part. In fact, they should have skipped the first part and just done this.

* * * * Super 8 : Super awesome! Saw it with the Princesa de Poder, and we both really enjoyed it. The best part comes after the credits. It's a two-minute zombie movie called "The Case," which the kids were making with their super 8 camera. Worth an entire extra star.

* * Green Lantern : I have a shirt with the emblem of the Green Lantern Corps on it. I can (and do) recite the oath at the slightest provocation. I secretly believe that Hal Jordan faked his death so he could fight evil in another way. I'm a fan is what I am saying. And the only thing I can say about this film is that it wasn't a bad way to pass a rainy afternoon.

* * * The Help : If this movie was just about the help, it would get four stars. They were awesome. But it's mostly about the women who employ the help, and they were a pretty tedious lot.

* * Cowboys and Aliens : I am giving this two stars because I am hoping that the parts I missed while wrapping presents were better than the par--ts I saw. Shame on you, Han Solo. Shame on you, James Bond. Shame on you, Thirteen. We expect better things from you all, or at least more entertaining things.

That's all for now, imaginary readers, but we might see Sherlock Holmes 2 this afternoon. So stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!

--DOCTOR SMARTY-PANTS

(UPDATE: * * * * for Holmes and Watson! Good show!)

Pointless wastes of time

I ought to be writing my dissertation right now. But instead I was checking my email, and a friend asked me to explain the current debt-ceiling crisis and what the Republicans are doing about it.

I share my answer here, so that you, my imaginary readers, can see how uninformed I am and how poorly I understand fiscal matters.

The short version, as I understand it, is that many Republicans believe that the most important long-term solution to our fiscal woes is to slow and/or stop deficit spending and the accumulation of national debt.

Like if I had $100,000 credit card debt on my current (meager) salary, my creditors would want to know that I will not default and leave them with all that debt. Borrowing more money in order to pay my creditors might get me through a short term crisis. But in the long term, I need to stop acquiring debt, which means bringing in more money and/or spending less.

In very broad terms, the various Republican plans want the US to spend less before it can borrow more. Democrats want to keep spending, and hope to bring in more revenue by raising taxes. Both parties say that their way (cutting spending, raising revenue) is fiscally responsible and the other way will not work.

None of the plans are very good, in my opinion. All of them stretch out over a period of ten years or so, with the tough sacrifices delayed so they kick in at the very end. That's ridiculous. If I want to lose 30 pounds this year, I can't plan to lose 25 between Christmas and New Years. The fact that we're discussing such obviously fraudulent non-solutions tells me that this is not a real crisis.

When I start seeing our political leaders behaving responsibly and coming up with sensible plans instead of just play-acting, then I'll be really worried.

--JUAN PENA

Look out, Eternia

Okay, I've been meaning to write this post for the last three weeks. But time flies when you are having fun. And I am having a lot of fun.

On June 17, the Princess and I got engaged. We are getting married August 19. Hooray!

And if all goes well, I will defend my dissertation soon after and graduate in September. Additional hooray!

Sorry for the lack of details, imaginary readers. But there's metric boatloads of work to do before then, so that's all for now.

Hope everyone else has a summer as awesome as mine!

--"SUNSHINE" DAVE RAHIMI

If I had a wish then it would be

My little brother and I have birthdays that are a week apart. And also ten years. So anyway we just had them.

And he was saying that between 25 and whenever the senior discounts start happening, there's really no benefit to getting older. That's true. But I think I know how we could change that.

I turned 36 earlier this month, which is double 18. And when I turned 18, all kinds of things happened. I was considered an adult, I got to vote, etc. So here's what I'm thinking. Each multiple of 18, you should get more privileges. So at twice 18, I should get two votes.

Now, with great power comes great responsibility. So to balance out getting two votes, my name would go in twice if there was a draft. And the same for 54 and 72 year olds, etc. This would also have the virtue of making sure that America's armies are wiser and more experienced.

I see no downside. Maybe my close personal friend, and noted super-genius, Barack Obama will be able to make this happen. Finally, we can finally smash the tyranny of the young!

Hey, you kids-- get off my lawn! Alte kackers uber alles!

--DAS SCHMERZHAUS

Movie review: Special weather-god edition

Instead of waiting and doing a year's worth of movies all at once, maybe I should do my reviews as they come. That way, my thoughts might help you, my imaginary readers, to know which movies to spend your money on.

Anyway, I saw Thor Saturday night with my buddy Frank. Pretty good! But I have one question: Why do people keep thinking that Anthony Hopkins is going to give gravitas to their popcorn movie? Because that's just silly.

I did like how Thor hit bad guys with his magic hammer. Pow! And Natalie Portman is super cute, despite her many crimes. Plus, I was actually moved by seeing Thor's terrible sorrow at being kicked out of Asgard and cut off.

Worth seeing on the big screen, but you can probably wait for the dollar theater. Three stars!

I would have given four if Thor had said, "My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee." Five if they had included Beta Ray Bill. Maybe in the sequel...

--ABDUL ALEM

PS - Don't pay for 3D. It just made the fight scenes harder to follow.

Restaurants of Nephi, part 4

Well, this blog post is bittersweet, since it is the final entry in this series-- at least for now. The Princess of Power has flown away to Eternia, so for the foreseeable future I will be taking fewer trips to Nephi.

But I think we've managed to cover the ground pretty well. In the last week, we managed to get two local institutions, Lisa's Country Kitchen, and Reed's Drive-In.

Lisa's was full of atmosphere and local color and all that, and they also gave us a little loaf of hot bread while we waited (briefly) for our food. Yay! They serve breakfast all day, so I ordered biscuits and gravy, hash browns, and an egg sunny-side up. (Unfortunately, they do not poach.) Her Royal Highness got the special, which was clam chowder to start, and chicken-fried chicken with mashed potatoes.

The best part about mine was the gravy, but since that came on the chicken as well, I definitely feel like I got the short end of the stick this time. I mean, the biscuits were fine, but the chicken was really excellent. On the other hand, my hash browns did defeat her mashed potatoes quite handily. So, I think we both came out all right.

On my very last trip to Nephi, we visited Reed's Drive-In. I got the Malibu chicken sandwich, fries, and a soda. S-R had a footlong and tater tots, and we split a Reese's peanut butter and chocolate shake.

The footlong was interesting because it was sliced in half, the long way, and put on a hoagie bun. Interesting, but not nearly as good as my malibu chicken, which was really good. Long story short, I won the food race.

And now, having sampled every restaurant in Nephi (or near enough), I can definitively say that if you are passing through town and want a bite to eat, you should go to Mi Rancherito-- the first place S-R took me. Thanks, babe! And you're welcome, imaginary readers.

--JOHANNES CLERK

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD!

Party at my house, America! Let's dance!



Yes, I know there are still terrorists out there, and yada yada yada. But this morning, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and a man responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans has gone to meet his eternal reward.

Hallefrickinlujah!

--JHON NOONIEN SINGH