Good news, everyone!

As you may have read, human beings with ancestors from Europe, Asia, or the Americas probably have a little Neanderthal DNA. This incredible news might also make you ask yourself if your special someone is a troglodyte of some kind-- not that there's anything wrong with that. Thanks to science, Gattaca-style genetic testing is now available from your local pharmacy in a handy over-the-counter kit.

If any of this piques your curiosity, you might also be wondering if you are a nerd. Well, fortunately for you, there's also a test for this. Actually, there's probably a few ways to know...

And one of them is this: Have you ever thought that online dating sounds like a good idea, except that it has too much personal interaction? Well, now you can hire your very own digital Cyrano to spam sweet nothings to all the internet honeys out there. The downside is that one of them might get interested and want to interact with you in meatspace. But I hear robots are getting very advanced.

In fact, why not buy a robot to do your housework? Well, it might mangle all your delicate fleshy bits with its cruel metal claws, but then again, it might not. Either way, it beats washing your own stupid dishes-- am I right? Plus, it frees up your valuable time and brainpower to dedicate yourself to more vital pursuits.

Progress marches on!

--"SUNSHINE" DAVE RAHIMI


(UPDATE: Bonus video designed by science especially for female humans!)