Friday, June 04, 2010

We Don't Take Kindly to Your Type Around Here

As my imaginary readers know, we don't take kindly to bigots around here-- especially bigots who want to represent the Party of Lincoln. Man, forget that noise.

So when I read about a jackass in South Carolina who called one of his political opponents a "raghead" because her parents are Sikhs from India, yeah, I was pretty mad. How mad? So mad that, Obama-like, I am leaping into action with the awesome power of talking about things.

So although I don't know much about Nikki Haley, I am happy to announce that this blog is officially endorsing her in the race for Governor of South Carolina. Also, this blog is officially endorsing the jackass, state senator Jake Knotts, for a catapult ride to the center of the Atlantic ocean. And I think the Railsplitter would be happy to stand alongside me and pull the lever, for both of them.


Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Good news, everyone!

As you may have read, human beings with ancestors from Europe, Asia, or the Americas probably have a little Neanderthal DNA. This incredible news might also make you ask yourself if your special someone is a troglodyte of some kind-- not that there's anything wrong with that. Thanks to science, Gattaca-style genetic testing is now available from your local pharmacy in a handy over-the-counter kit.

If any of this piques your curiosity, you might also be wondering if you are a nerd. Well, fortunately for you, there's also a test for this. Actually, there's probably a few ways to know...

And one of them is this: Have you ever thought that online dating sounds like a good idea, except that it has too much personal interaction? Well, now you can hire your very own digital Cyrano to spam sweet nothings to all the internet honeys out there. The downside is that one of them might get interested and want to interact with you in meatspace. But I hear robots are getting very advanced.

In fact, why not buy a robot to do your housework? Well, it might mangle all your delicate fleshy bits with its cruel metal claws, but then again, it might not. Either way, it beats washing your own stupid dishes-- am I right? Plus, it frees up your valuable time and brainpower to dedicate yourself to more vital pursuits.

Progress marches on!


(UPDATE: Bonus video designed by science especially for female humans!)