Movie reviews: Mayan y2k edition

Here are all the movies we saw in 2012, and thus all the movies we will ever see. Because of the end of the world.

* * * 1/2 Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol : Okay, I already reviewed this, but let me just say that I think that each new movie in this series has had shorter co-stars than the last one. For the next one, I predict that he does it Smiths-style with Suri. But he'd better hurry, because it won't be too long before she hits puberty and rockets up past him.

* * * * Brave : I would happily pay any amount of money that Pixar can imagine to see a movie just about the two little brothers.

* * * * 1/2 Marvel's The Avengers : Whedonesque, in all the best senses of the word. The only silly thing is Hulk's big wham line, which I genuinely do not get. But his Loki-smashing was a pure joy.

* * * * The Dark Knight Rises : Here's how this is calculated: three stars for Bruce and Selina in a cafe, four stars for Gordon, two stars for a surprisingly whiny Alfred, three stars for Scarecrow as the Jacobin judge, four stars for Bane, and ten stars for Bane's voice--which deserves its own talk radio show at the very least. Who would not listen to that?

* * * 1/2 Skyfall : Every single James Bond movie since forever is about how 007 is off the reservation and on his own. So the conceit is not really new. But it had a new feel, somehow. In places, it was actually quite moving, in no small part thanks to Dame Judi Dench.

* * * 1/2 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey : Peter Jackson still owns me, and I will fork over my money to see the rest of this trilogy. But come on, did it really need to be a trilogy? I'm pretty sure the audiobook of The Hobbit is going to be shorter than the films. That's ridiculous, and it doesn't make for a better movie. In fact, for every half hour they could shave off this film, I would give it another half-star.

That's all for now, imaginary readers. And perhaps that's it for the planet earth and/or the human race. No tears, now. We had a good run.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

-- PADDY O'PAGAN