If I had a wish then it would be

My little brother and I have birthdays that are a week apart. And also ten years. So anyway we just had them.

And he was saying that between 25 and whenever the senior discounts start happening, there's really no benefit to getting older. That's true. But I think I know how we could change that.

I turned 36 earlier this month, which is double 18. And when I turned 18, all kinds of things happened. I was considered an adult, I got to vote, etc. So here's what I'm thinking. Each multiple of 18, you should get more privileges. So at twice 18, I should get two votes.

Now, with great power comes great responsibility. So to balance out getting two votes, my name would go in twice if there was a draft. And the same for 54 and 72 year olds, etc. This would also have the virtue of making sure that America's armies are wiser and more experienced.

I see no downside. Maybe my close personal friend, and noted super-genius, Barack Obama will be able to make this happen. Finally, we can finally smash the tyranny of the young!

Hey, you kids-- get off my lawn! Alte kackers uber alles!

--DAS SCHMERZHAUS

Movie review: Special weather-god edition

Instead of waiting and doing a year's worth of movies all at once, maybe I should do my reviews as they come. That way, my thoughts might help you, my imaginary readers, to know which movies to spend your money on.

Anyway, I saw Thor Saturday night with my buddy Frank. Pretty good! But I have one question: Why do people keep thinking that Anthony Hopkins is going to give gravitas to their popcorn movie? Because that's just silly.

I did like how Thor hit bad guys with his magic hammer. Pow! And Natalie Portman is super cute, despite her many crimes. Plus, I was actually moved by seeing Thor's terrible sorrow at being kicked out of Asgard and cut off.

Worth seeing on the big screen, but you can probably wait for the dollar theater. Three stars!

I would have given four if Thor had said, "My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee." Five if they had included Beta Ray Bill. Maybe in the sequel...

--ABDUL ALEM

PS - Don't pay for 3D. It just made the fight scenes harder to follow.

Restaurants of Nephi, part 4

Well, this blog post is bittersweet, since it is the final entry in this series-- at least for now. The Princess of Power has flown away to Eternia, so for the foreseeable future I will be taking fewer trips to Nephi.

But I think we've managed to cover the ground pretty well. In the last week, we managed to get two local institutions, Lisa's Country Kitchen, and Reed's Drive-In.

Lisa's was full of atmosphere and local color and all that, and they also gave us a little loaf of hot bread while we waited (briefly) for our food. Yay! They serve breakfast all day, so I ordered biscuits and gravy, hash browns, and an egg sunny-side up. (Unfortunately, they do not poach.) Her Royal Highness got the special, which was clam chowder to start, and chicken-fried chicken with mashed potatoes.

The best part about mine was the gravy, but since that came on the chicken as well, I definitely feel like I got the short end of the stick this time. I mean, the biscuits were fine, but the chicken was really excellent. On the other hand, my hash browns did defeat her mashed potatoes quite handily. So, I think we both came out all right.

On my very last trip to Nephi, we visited Reed's Drive-In. I got the Malibu chicken sandwich, fries, and a soda. S-R had a footlong and tater tots, and we split a Reese's peanut butter and chocolate shake.

The footlong was interesting because it was sliced in half, the long way, and put on a hoagie bun. Interesting, but not nearly as good as my malibu chicken, which was really good. Long story short, I won the food race.

And now, having sampled every restaurant in Nephi (or near enough), I can definitively say that if you are passing through town and want a bite to eat, you should go to Mi Rancherito-- the first place S-R took me. Thanks, babe! And you're welcome, imaginary readers.

--JOHANNES CLERK

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD!

Party at my house, America! Let's dance!



Yes, I know there are still terrorists out there, and yada yada yada. But this morning, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and a man responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans has gone to meet his eternal reward.

Hallefrickinlujah!

--JHON NOONIEN SINGH

Restaurants of Nephi, part 3

Two of our most recent restaurant choices, J.C. Mickelson's and the One Man Band diner, are advertised from the highway, so I had high expectations for them. Or at the very least, I was curious. And so, my imaginary readers, are you. Or at least, that is how I imagine you. CONFORM TO MY IMAGINATION!

Anyway, the One Man Band is a pretty standard little diner with burgers and other comfort food. I did see one novel thing on the menu, a sandwich called a steamroller. It was described as a ham and cheese sandwich that was battered and fried. I wasn't sure what that would be like, but I couldn't pass it up. And it turned out better than I thought. It was fried on the grill instead of deep fried, so really it was like a french toast sandwich, which was surprisingly good, especially once I opened it up and added some tomato slices.

The most powerful woman in the universe got an Elvis omelette, which disappointingly did not include bananas and peanut butter. Although it did have bacon. But I still think this time my meal was superior. Yay me!

Before going to JC Mickelson's, I asked around and heard good things about their chicken noodle soup and their pot roast. So I ordered both, with vegetables on the side. The princess of power got country-fried steak and potatoes. The pot roast was good, but I think the steak was better. A lot of chicken-fried steaks are cheap and tough, but this one cut with a fork just beautifully. I also enjoyed the soup, which had a hearty broth and nice thick homemade noodles.

After dinner, we foolishly decided to order two pieces of pie. The peach was mostly unremarkable, although there was a nice hint of cinnamon. I'm not sure they used fresh peaches, but I don't think peaches are in season, so maybe that's no surprise. The strawberry rhubarb was excellent, though. It was was the right balance of sweet and tart. And the crust on both was good, albeit very substantial, which is not my first preference. Having ice cream on the side was a necessity.

Upon our return home, we entered into a food coma, from which we only narrowly emerged alive, but I still think Mickelson's has been my second best dining experience in Nephi so far.

--REDBEARD

Restaurants of Nephi, part 2

So we have tried three more restaurants in the last ten days. I think we're almost halfway through our magical adventure, actually.

Tonight was Tomatilla's, which is located in the Conoco convenience store. Even before we walked in, Princess Adora remarked that it seemed a lot like Cafe Rio. I've only been to Cafe Rio one time, but it seemed true to me, too. So I ordered the same thing I got there, a pork salad-- which is a lot better than it sounds. And although the food looked very similar (and cost about the same), it was missing something. It was not bad, by any means, but it lacked a certain zing.

Last week, we tried two different places. One was a restaurant that has Chinatown on their sign, but is listed as Da Huan Jiang on Google Maps. Also contrary to Google Maps, they are not out of business. I mean, somebody took our money and gave us food. Anyway, we did the dinner for two, which gave us soup and appetizers, plus three main dishes, shared family-style. It was certainly plenty of food. The hot and sour soup was pretty good, as was the orange chicken. Neither were terrible spicy, but that's okay for most people. The other two main dishes, beef with broccoli, and twice-cooked pork, I was less impressed with. But when I reheated them, the twice-cooked pork was my favorite. So make of that what you will. It's definitely the best Chinese restaurant in town.

Prior to that, we did Big T's, which is a burger joint decorated with the obligatory posters of classic cars and Elvis. I had a burger and onion rings with a vanilla shake, and Adora had a fish sandwich and fries with a chocolate shake. The rings were the crunchy kind instead of the crispy kind, if that makes any sense. It was all pretty good, but unexceptional. They also advertised corn dogs, which tempted me briefly, but since I was neither in a lunchroom nor at the fair, I ended up passing. Now I wonder if those corn dogs were their secret weapon. Alas, I shall never know.

In conclusion: Three serviceable restaurants, but nothing to surpass (or match) the happy surprise of Mi Rancherito.

Excelsior!

--CHEF GILBERTO "TURK" BENITEZ

Restaurants of Nephi, part 1

So the Princess of Power and I have decided to try every restaurant in Nephi, Utah. Tonight we ate at Mi Rancherito, a Mexican cafe on Main Street. It was full of white people, which usually is a red flag, but I enjoyed it.

The chips and salsa were nothing special, but not bad. The horchata was sweeter and milder than I usually see it, with less of that taste of burnt rice and cinnamon that I love. It was a little more gringo-friendly, which is not a bad thing.

The real treat was the Carnitas Michoacanas, which I had. It's bits of pork, fried, served with pico de gallo and whatnot on corn tortillas. And it came with rice, refried beans, sour cream, and guacamole. The way the carnitas were fried gave them a kind of crispy exterior that sealed in the juiciness. I thoroughly enjoyed them, especially with the guacamole.

All in all, very tasty. And I'm really looking forward to the next Nephi culinary adventure.

--YAHYA AL-RIIFI

A year and a half of movies

Well, it's been a while since I did any blogging. And even longer since I did movie reviews.

Frankly, I have not gone to see a lot of movies in the last year. I've been pretty busy. And some people think it's a stupid idea to go to the movies, anyway.

But this week I might go catch a flick with the princesa de poder, so I thought this might be a good time to take a look back.

Here you go!

* * Cloudy with a chance of meatballs : Saw this on a plane, and it was a welcome distraction. Also, Bruce Campbell is in the voice cast.

* * * * Invictus : Matt Damon's Boer accent was fun, Morgan Freeman was perfect, and the whole thing was pretty inspiring. An excellent example of Sports Movie Type 3. (Underdogs triumph over favored team, racism.)

* * * Sherlock Holmes : Also known as Iron Man and Gigolo Joe in: Steampunk London: Part 1: The Adventure Begins. Delightful. And when is Robert Downey Jr. going to be on House as Hugh Laurie's long-lost illegitimate son?

* * * How to train your dragon : I would give this four stars, except for one thing. Why do all the adult vikings have Scottish accents? And why do all the kid vikings have American accents? I want them all to sound like the Swedish Chef.

* * * * Babies : Look! Babies! Look at their chubby cheeks! Adorable! Oh! The things we do with ease, they do with difficulty! So cute! I can't stand it! (Would get five stars, but the parents selected to represent America are braindead filthy hippies.)

* * * * * Toy Story 3 : Pixar, when will you disappoint me? George Lucas is dead to me. Peter Jackson has one giant-sized strike. But Pixar just makes me happy.

* Year One : Saw it on a plane. Made me want to jump out.

* * * Tangled : A fun little flick, and better than I expected from Disney. In particular, I loved the non-human characters. That horse and chameleon should have their own show.

* * Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 : Too much teenage wangst. But, better than the book.

* * * * * True Grit : This belongs in a very exclusive club of remakes that improved upon the original. Thank you, Coen Brothers. Thank you, Dude. Thank you, America.

--JAY FABULOUS

Brown paper packages tied up with string

So I was recently talking with this nice girl, who I will call the Princess of Power. Having seen the number of books on my shelves, she asked me what my favorite book was.

I was not sure how to answer that question, and I guess I am still not sure. Is my favorite book the one that has made the most impact on my life, and the way I think? Is my favorite book the one that I have read the most times? Is it the one that I most frequently share with others? I don't know. But here are some contenders.

* the scriptures, obviously, especially the Book of Mormon
* The Eye of the World, by Robert Jordan
* Inside Terrorism, by Bruce Hoffman
* Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald H. Rumsfeld, edited by Hart Seely
* Tropical Gangsters: One Man's Experience With Development And Decadence In Deepest Africa, by Robert Klitgaard
* One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, by Alexander Solzhenitsyn
* Prayers from the Ark, by Carmen Bernos de Gasztold, translated by Rumer Godden
* The 13 Clocks, by James Thurber
* Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, by Douglas Adams
* The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, by Max Brooks
* Labyrinths, by Jorge Luis Borges
* Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card
* Kim, by Rudyard Kipling
* Mistborn, by Brandon Sanderson

It's nowhere near a complete list, but I do love all of these books. I have read them all multiple times, they have all insinuated themselves into my neural net in some way, and I am happy to endorse them for your reading pleasure.

So, imaginary readers, what are your favorites? How do you choose? And what did I forget?

Incidentally, after our conversation, she gave me A Tale of Two Cities for Christmas, because it is one of her favorites. I've started reading it, and so far-- the best of times. But I hear it takes a wicked turn.

--BIG JACK LE PEN

Moroni's strawberries

I taught the lesson at our ward FHE a couple of weeks ago, and I keep thinking about it. So maybe I should write it down and share it with you, my imaginary readers. So I will!

A lot of things in my life seem like they're coming to a close. The year is ending, my classes are wrapping up, I am getting ready to move, my dissertation is slouching towards completion. And other things have also finished.

In a sense, everything in this life is temporary:

As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.

For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.

(Psalms 103:15-16)

And that makes me feel a little down.

But for the last few weeks, I've been thinking about this zen parable. Among other places, it's found in an episode of King of the Hill, where it is recounted by Kahn Souphanousinphone.

As a Buddhist, of course, I get comfort from a story. I don't need to tell you how much Buddhists love a story!

Anyway, story begins with man being chased by ferocious man-eating tiger. Tiger chase him to edge of cliff. Man falls off. Halfway down, he grab onto branch.

He look up, he see ferocious tiger. Now he look down, he see another hungry tiger, waiting for him on the ground below. Not a good place to be. He knows for sure he gonna die.

Then out of corner of his eye he see a wild strawberry growing on same branch. He pluck it and eat it. And it was the sweetest-tasting strawberry he ever had.

The man is still going to die. So why eat the strawberry? Because strawberries are good. Plus, you never know, right? Maybe the tigers will go away.

This makes me think of Moroni. He was in a giant battle where most of his people perished, and his father was apparently mortally wounded. But Moroni lived. And he wrote, on his father's gold plates. He says he is only finishing the record because his father commanded him, and that he expects that sooner or later he will be killed by his enemies. But he writes two chapters anyway, which end with a very powerful testimony and an emphatic Amen. The end.

But then we turn the page, and there's Moroni again. He's still alive, and still writing. He translates and edits the book of Ether, giving us fifteen chapters. And at the end there is a lone prophet, the only survivor of his people, finishing his record and burying it in the earth according to the Lord's commandments. It's a very poignant echo of Moroni himself, who surely expected that he would soon die. The end.

But we turn the page, and here's Moroni.

I had supposed not to have written more, but I have not as yet perished...

Wherefore, I write a few more things, contrary to that which I had supposed...that perhaps they may be of worth unto my brethren, the Lamanites, in some future day, according to the will of the Lord.

(Moroni 1:1, 4)

So he keeps writing. At first, it's just a few little unconnected scraps. Then he passes along three letters that his father wrote him, years before. All three are profound and moving, and end powerfully. Any of them would have been a fitting way to end the record of Moroni's people, and maybe that's what he was thinking as he wrote each one. The end.

But then we get chapter 10, which he starts by saying that he will "write somewhat as seemeth me good... And I seal up these records, after I have spoken a few words by way of exhortation unto you." Then he makes a promise: Read this book, ask God if it's true, and he'll show you by the power of the Holy Ghost.

Like tens of millions of other people, I've read this promise and tried it. And I can testify that the Book of Mormon is true. And I can testify that God will reveal his truths to us through the power of the Holy Ghost if we just ask.

The chapter ends with Moroni bidding us farewell. We've seen this before. He's given us plenty of farewells and amens and closing testimonies. But this one really is the last one. He never got a chance to come back and add a few more words. This was his last strawberry.

What if he had quit before he got to that last chapter? The world would be so much poorer without these words. I'm so glad that he didn't give up. I'm so grateful that as long as he lived, he kept writing.

In Conference, President Monson said, "We never know how soon it will be too late." That's a pretty sobering thought.

The devil also tells me that it might be too late, and adds that I might as well give up. If the tide is coming in, there's no point in continuing to build the sand castle, right? Just let it go.

But the Lord's counsel is different. Our time here is limited, so hurry up and do something good! Be like Moroni, choose the right, be happy. Eat a strawberry. Hang in there. And who knows? Maybe the tigers will get bored and go watch King of the Hill.

--YOHANNA BEN-DAVID