Missed headline opportunities

I know that most newspaper editors try to sound like they're, like, professional and serious and all that crap. But please, imaginary readers, peruse this story and see if you're not just a little disappointed by the headline.

So give it a think and then put your best effort in the comments. Winner gets a lifetime supply of vegemite.

--CHISAIBU

As the old saying goes

American kids are fat. Doctors say it's because they're not getting enough sleep. I blame the parents. They're the ones who drag kids out of bed at unreasonable hours to take them to crappy failing schools where they will get picked on by bullies.

Why not let them sleep in and skip school? School is prison. And kids are smarter than we think. Even babies are pretty sharp. So let your children run wild and free.

Just not, you know, too wild.

--JAN DEPAUW


UPDATE: Now with adorable child video.

This one's for the hippies

So it was Earth Day. Now, I am a Republican, but I'm not opposed to the earth, strictly speaking. And lots of experts and admirable people are very worried about the earth. But it's always a good idea to do some critical thinking, since experts and admirable people are not always right.

So, here are a few things to think about. First, by most measures, the Earth is in better shape than it used to be. Second, recycling trash is often more wasteful and harmful to the environment than just throwing it away. Third, modern cars emit less pollution while speeding down the highway than cars did fifty years ago when they were sitting in the driveway. A lot less.

I'm not saying we shouldn't keep trying to improve and protect our environment. On the contrary, I think that God has called all of us who live here to take care of this place. Plus, it's just a beautiful, weird world we live in, and there's so much we don't understand. I think we should try to preserve its wonders.

But, as I said, there's a lot we don't understand. And it's not hard to imagine how we might foul things up, even if our intentions are good. The fact is, our own political system has become so complicated that its workings can not be comprehended, not just by citizens but by the policymakers themselves. And that makes me confident that the laws we pass are doing a lot of good for the activists and lobbyists who help write them, rather than hopeful that they are doing a lot of good for than the environment.

It's a thorny problem, but most of us can agree on the desired outcomes at least-- healthier planet, healthier humans. So as we're trying do devise policy solutions, let's think carefully and be prepared to question our own preconceptions, not just the preconceptions of those we disagree with. And let's speak clearly, and keep our discussions open and civil.

And anyone who can't agree to that is a dumb stupid idiot.

--SAN GIOVANNI UMILIATO

It's like rain

So we had an EQ gathering today before Priesthood Session, and there was loads of food. Each of the four singles wards contributed something. I think. It may have just been the senior primary and the two junior primaries, but not the nursery. I don't know.

Anyway, my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I had a slice of pizza (Papa John's, not bad) and about halfway through a burrito I realized I was getting full. But burritos start falling apart as soon as you start biting into them, and so I decided to finish. But then I still had like three or four inches of sandwich from Subway which I had not even started. I thought about throwing it away, but that seemed wasteful. (Yes, I know, it's no more wasteful than having a fat man who is already full eat it.)

So I set it down on the folding chair next to me during conference. And I kept looking over at it, and sometimes I could smell the jalapenos. So I would remind myself that I was not really hungry, and that I could always have it after conference if I felt hungry then.

But then I got tired of waiting and decided to just eat the stupid thing.

It was right when Elder Uchtdorf was starting his talk. He was telling this story about a researcher who gave marshmallows to little children and told them if they would wait a few minutes without eating the first one, they would get a second one. Most of them, of course, at the marshmallow before the second one could show up. And then the researcher tracked these kids over decades and found that impatience correlated with all kinds of problems for these kids later in life.

My sandwich tasted terrible. Mostly the bread was all soggy. Maybe I waited too long to eat it. Or maybe I didn't wait too long enough!

--PAN YUE-HAN

Very well

In the gracious spirit of collegial accommodation for which I am well known, I would like to acknowledge the victory of our dear leader and his allies in Congress. Although I fear that the bill will not have the salubrious effects its proponents claim, I hope for the sake of this great country that they are right. Let us go forward into this bright new dawn, together.

Okay, comrades?

--VANYA DAVIDOVICH

You go to blog with the links you have

...not the links you might want or wish to have, as The Donald once said. So here are some links I have.

* The magic age for women to start settling is 30, in case you were wondering. White women, in particular, should start having babies immediately.

* Global warming-- the movement, not the phenomenon-- has been reported dead. Like Mark Twain, I suspect that these reports are greatly exaggerated.

* Americans are exceptional in some ways, but not in our ever-feebler grasp of English. Canadian students are apparently just as stupid as we are, and for the same reason-- TEXTING! (Also: TWITTER!)

* Even though terrorists probably won't attack us through the internet, the internet is turning people into terrorists. (Are you people getting the message? Technology is BAD!)

* Also, hand sanitizer does not actually sanitize your hands. Although it apparently tastes great.

* A retired American general says that the presence of gay soldiers in the Dutch armed forces caused the failure of peacekeepers to prevent a massacre 15 years ago. The Dutch, of course, completely deny these allegations and promise to scratch his eyes out if he keeps it up.

* China's economy is in big trouble, but Lyndell's is doing super awesome.

* Lastly: for my homeboy Rambo, who is just now discovering the joys of BSG, a video...



Awesome!

--JOHANN "FNORD" WEISSHAUPT

The new math

What is less than three?

Two are. One is, too.

Learning is hard.

--S.P. DAVIDSON

Beatles two-fer Tuesday

Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. What's wrong with that?





--EL DOLOR

(Update 11:47 AM: Now in glorious functional video!)

ex-dorsement

This is the best reason so far to avoid seeing Avatar:

Lucas added: 'I liked it. I make movies like that, so I can appreciate what James Cameron went through to do it. It worked well in 3D and I'm happy it's so successful.'

How happy was George Lucas after watching Smurftanic? Happy enough that he now plans to remake all six Star Wars movies in 3D.

Thanks a lot, Cameron.

--MAJOR BLUDD

More bullets, more points

* I am glad I am not French, and that I do not shout at my wife.

* Scientists who want to live in a moon hole should be careful and have it checked out thoroughly before they move in.

* How many European countries have more prosperous populations than Kansas? One. Rock chalk, Jayhawk!

* I don't believe that religious people are dumb. But that Pat Robertson certainly is a ninny.

* Q. How many airline personnel does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. That's not funny! (In related news...)

* Boy, I really thought we had plateaued out on this unemployment thing. Maybe not.

* There is a guy who is an expert on labor policy whose name is Sherk. Hilarious! Also, he has some point about unions or something.

* Interesting thoughts about immigration from Mark Krikorian. He's an opponent of illegal immigration, so don't read what he says if you expect that it would make your head explode. The one sentence that really made me think: "5 billion people are poorer than the average Mexican." Huh.

* How funky can an eighty year old recording of a Ukrainian harmonica group be? Very, very funky.

Peace, love, and all that other good stuff.

--DAS SCHMERZHAUS